3-16-2022

We woke up at 6:30am that morning to head to the hospital for me to be induced.  Needless to say, neither of us slept well the night before.  I remember waking up with a pit in my stomach, not sure how I would have the strength to do what I needed to do. How was I going to endure this physical pain knowing that my baby would be born still? Thankfully in our weakness He is strong.

It was still dark on our drive in, and Rich and I alternated between silence, tears, and talking about what we were thinking/feeling.  It all still seemed so surreal- like this couldn't be our life.  We pulled up to the hospital and passed the pull around where 16 months ago Rich had pulled up the car and we had put Addy in her carseat to take her home.  It felt like a punch in the stomach to know that this time we would be leaving with empty arms. 

We entered the hospital and were guided to our room where we met our nurses who immediately shared how sorry they were that we even had to go through this today. They were so kind and considerate to us.  Then our midwife came in and discussed with us the plan for induction and labor. They would start with cytotec around 8:30am, and then around 12:30pm they would start the pitocen, and considering my previous labor they hoped she would be born before dinner time. 

They put the cytoec in, and for about 3 hours I was confined to the bed, so Rich and I watched a little TV, talked a little bit, and I tried to take a nap. Then, It was probably around 10:30 that Rich and I both felt an amazing peace come over us.  It was a peace that surpasses all understanding, and we know it was from God. On this day we felt His presence and knew that we was right beside us, walking through this with us.  So many people from our local church, and many of my close friends who knew the situation, as well as our families were praying for us. We both felt held in His arms.  

Around 1:00pm contractions had been going on for a few hours but weren't painful yet, so then they started pitocen which would ramp things up a little more.  I had Rich turn on a playlist of worship music that I had made as labor started.  Remembering that our baby girl was safe in heaven in the arms of Jesus was what would comfort me during labor. There were a couple times between contractions where I cried knowing what our ending would be, but there were more times I felt the presence of Jesus comforting my soul, and I lifted up to him songs of praise. I knew for this labor that I wanted to be comfortable, so I was not opposed to getting the epidural, but I also didn't want to stall out this labor. I wanted it to be fast, so my goal was to labor as long as I could without it. 

I felt like I had been in active labor for awhile and so I asked for the epidural.  The nurses got it ordered, and the anesthesiologist put it in, but by the time it started flowing through the IV I felt pressure and was ready to push.  About 5 pushes later, at 4:42pm, our Emmy Joy came out. They put her lifeless body on my chest, and more tears came as I saw and held my sweet baby girl. The nurses let me hold her as long as I wanted, and I cried.  I cried because I wanted to nurse her when she was hungry.  I wanted to rock her to sleep.  I wanted to hold her when she cried.  I wanted to be her mom. And the reality hit again that I would never get to do those things. 

After our tears had dried and Rich and I marveled at all the dark hair she already had at 31 weeks, just like her daddy.  She had long fingers and toes like her mama. She was so beautiful.