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God is in this Story

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As I said when I first started this blog, this post was not one I imagined I'd be writing either.  It is the beautiful story of redemption in our tragic loss where God showed up abundantly more than I could ever ask or imagine.  When I saw what God was doing I told Him I would make sure to tell the world this story because I think God is so glorified in it.  Fitting enough, this week I just read the story in John's gospel where Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead.  Where he purposely stays where he is two days longer so that instead of giving Lazarus healing, he would do something bigger and greater like raising him from the dead so that many more would believe after witnessing such a miracle. Though our story of loss doesn't involve Jesus raising Emmy back to life, it does involve details that only God could do.  And so in this story I hope and pray that your faith would be strengthened, and if you don't know the Lord as your personal savior, you would invite Hi...
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The Place Where Joy and Sorrow CoExist

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 Is it really possible to "Rejoice with those who rejoice; and mourn with those who mourn?" (Romans 12:15).  What if you yourself are mourning? Is it really possible to rejoice?  What if you are experiencing God's abundant blessings and joy overflows? is it possible for you to step into someone else's mourning? I knew the bible said this was possible, so I believed it in faith, but had never truly experienced the beauty of these two emotions intertwined until I went to visit my brother and sister in law, Rob and Olivia, and meet their newborn baby. My sister-in-law and I were pregnant at the same time and due two weeks apart.  I was due May 17th, she June 1st.  We were pregnant at the same time with our first two kids, Addy and Liam, and seeing them grow up together is so much fun.  They are getting to the age when they are starting to play together and I know they will grow up to be best buds.  I had the same hope for our next kids, Emmy and Chip....
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"Pour your hearts out like water to the Lord" Lamentations 2:19

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 This past week has been so challenging for me.  One of the hardest weeks since we found out we lost her.  Emmy for sure would have been here right now.  Even if she didn't arrive on her due date of May 17, by now, she would have been here.  And it is so hard being in this season and not having her, because this is what I had dreams about. I had dreams of holding her in the baby carrier outside while I watched Addy play.  Addy was a winter baby, so I was so looking forward to being able to take my newborn outside and nurse her or let her nap on me or walk around with addy.  I envisioned friends coming over to meet her as we sat outside on our deck.  Being outside in this summer season reminds me of everything that never will be and it absolutely devastates my heart.  I'm sad.  I'm angry.  I'm really angry.  I don't get it.  I wrestle with "why." I just don't understand.  I really don't understand.  I shake my fis...
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My last post for a while. My one request is please read.💛

This will be my last blog post for awhile.  I'm going to take a hiatus from facebook for I'm not sure how long. I may blog again at a later time, but I also may not.  I will see how the Lord leads me.  As you can probably imagine, logging into facebook and seeing pictures of other mamas pregnant, or announcements of other babies due in May is triggering for my grief.  And it's not that I am not happy for those mamas- I believe that we can rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn (Romans 12:15)- but it is just an intense reminder of what I have lost.  The ache and longing in my heart for my precious baby girl becomes unyielding, and in all honesty I wrestle with God as feelings of jealousy or bitterness arise and I become angry for what He has taken away from me.  I'm not ashamed to write that.  Yes, I am a faithful person, but I am also a human, and those thoughts and emotions I have are real.  I'm not going to hide those from...
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How are we doing?

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 Many have asked and are wondering how we are doing.  We so appreciate that people are asking us how we are and thinking of us, so I figured this question is easiest to address in an blogpost.   It has been almost 4 weeks since we lost our Emmy.  We have had good days and bad days, and the grief comes and goes in waves.  Addy is our shining light.  She brings us so much joy and forces us, in a good way, to get up and keep going.   Some days the grief feels so heavy. It feels like there is a weight on my chest as I go throughout the day.  Little tasks feel like a lot. Sadness makes the days feel dull. I lack motivation to do much of anything, and I am quicker to anger. My heart aches for my baby that I carried for 7 and a half months.  My body longs to cradle her in my arms. But we also have had good days.  Days when I laugh, probably at something Addy has done, and have peace that Emmy is in heaven.  Days where I praise th...
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Nurses that were heaven sent

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 I truly believe that God hand selected for us the nurses we would have on the day of Emmy's birth.  The nurses that were with us during labor were so kind, and along with my midwife, applied counter-pressure to my back the entire time I was laboring.  They routinely asked us if we needed anything and took care of us so well. They even made little bracelets for us with Emmy's name. After Emmy came out they were so considerate of me and what I wanted.  They asked if I wanted them to put a hat of her or if I wanted to see her hair.  They asked if I wanted to keep holding her, or if I wanted them to weigh and measure her.  They did not do anything to Emmy without consulting me first, and I felt so, so, cared for. Nurses work hard, and aren't always acknowledged for the work they do, so I feel like I need to say just how amazing they were to us.  I will never forget any of them. As shifts were changing, our nurse that would be with us during the night came...
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3-16-2022

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We woke up at 6:30am that morning to head to the hospital for me to be induced.  Needless to say, neither of us slept well the night before.  I remember waking up with a pit in my stomach, not sure how I would have the strength to do what I needed to do. How was I going to endure this physical pain knowing that my baby would be born still? Thankfully in our weakness He is strong. It was still dark on our drive in, and Rich and I alternated between silence, tears, and talking about what we were thinking/feeling.  It all still seemed so surreal- like this couldn't be our life.  We pulled up to the hospital and passed the pull around where 16 months ago Rich had pulled up the car and we had put Addy in her carseat to take her home.  It felt like a punch in the stomach to know that this time we would be leaving with empty arms.  We entered the hospital and were guided to our room where we met our nurses who immediately shared how sorry they were that we even ha...
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