"Pour your hearts out like water to the Lord" Lamentations 2:19

 This past week has been so challenging for me.  One of the hardest weeks since we found out we lost her.  Emmy for sure would have been here right now.  Even if she didn't arrive on her due date of May 17, by now, she would have been here.  And it is so hard being in this season and not having her, because this is what I had dreams about. I had dreams of holding her in the baby carrier outside while I watched Addy play.  Addy was a winter baby, so I was so looking forward to being able to take my newborn outside and nurse her or let her nap on me or walk around with addy.  I envisioned friends coming over to meet her as we sat outside on our deck.  Being outside in this summer season reminds me of everything that never will be and it absolutely devastates my heart.  I'm sad.  I'm angry.  I'm really angry.  I don't get it.  I wrestle with "why." I just don't understand.  I really don't understand.  I shake my fist at God because this just seems wrong.  It seems so unfair.  I go outside when I'm by myself and sometimes I yell, or I throw a stick, or I kick the ground, and then I just sob. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through, but I allow myself to stay here for as long as I need to.  I'm okay being here now. I've learned so much from the Psalms.  Psalm 62 is what I've been clinging to as of late.

"Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."

God tells us to pour. out. our. hearts. to. Him. His chest is strong enough for us to beat against.

I love the visual of Lamentations 2:19.

"Rise during the night and cry out.  Pour out your hearts like water to the Lord."

Pour out your hearts like water.  Just let it all flow out and don't hold back.  That's what I'm learning is necessary for me to do, and what God wants me to do.  Now there's nothing wrong with talking to others about your grief.  In fact, I've found that necessary.  But God doesn't want talking to others to replace talking to Him.  I know that now.  And I'm thankful.  Because in that place where I'm letting it all out to Him, He speaks to my heart and little by little he heals my open wound.  The purpose of this post is really just to help me move through my emotions.  But I hope it can help someone who might be in a similar place, and let you know that It's okay to pour your heart out to Him.  It's what He instructs us to do.  




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My last post for a while. My one request is please read.💛

This will be my last blog post for awhile.  I'm going to take a hiatus from facebook for I'm not sure how long. I may blog again at a later time, but I also may not.  I will see how the Lord leads me.  As you can probably imagine, logging into facebook and seeing pictures of other mamas pregnant, or announcements of other babies due in May is triggering for my grief.  And it's not that I am not happy for those mamas- I believe that we can rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn (Romans 12:15)- but it is just an intense reminder of what I have lost.  The ache and longing in my heart for my precious baby girl becomes unyielding, and in all honesty I wrestle with God as feelings of jealousy or bitterness arise and I become angry for what He has taken away from me.  I'm not ashamed to write that.  Yes, I am a faithful person, but I am also a human, and those thoughts and emotions I have are real.  I'm not going to hide those from...
Read more

God is in this Story

Image
As I said when I first started this blog, this post was not one I imagined I'd be writing either.  It is the beautiful story of redemption in our tragic loss where God showed up abundantly more than I could ever ask or imagine.  When I saw what God was doing I told Him I would make sure to tell the world this story because I think God is so glorified in it.  Fitting enough, this week I just read the story in John's gospel where Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead.  Where he purposely stays where he is two days longer so that instead of giving Lazarus healing, he would do something bigger and greater like raising him from the dead so that many more would believe after witnessing such a miracle. Though our story of loss doesn't involve Jesus raising Emmy back to life, it does involve details that only God could do.  And so in this story I hope and pray that your faith would be strengthened, and if you don't know the Lord as your personal savior, you would invite Hi...
Read more

3-16-2022

Image
We woke up at 6:30am that morning to head to the hospital for me to be induced.  Needless to say, neither of us slept well the night before.  I remember waking up with a pit in my stomach, not sure how I would have the strength to do what I needed to do. How was I going to endure this physical pain knowing that my baby would be born still? Thankfully in our weakness He is strong. It was still dark on our drive in, and Rich and I alternated between silence, tears, and talking about what we were thinking/feeling.  It all still seemed so surreal- like this couldn't be our life.  We pulled up to the hospital and passed the pull around where 16 months ago Rich had pulled up the car and we had put Addy in her carseat to take her home.  It felt like a punch in the stomach to know that this time we would be leaving with empty arms.  We entered the hospital and were guided to our room where we met our nurses who immediately shared how sorry they were that we even ha...
Read more