"A person's days are determind; you have decreed the number of his months and set limits that he cannot exceed." Job 14:5
The day we lost our dear Emmalise Joy
This was not a blog I ever imagined I'd be starting, but I think that my healing process will come through writing. The bible says to "Let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story... (Psalm 107:2)." If I can encourage anyone in their own loss, lead anyone to the gospel, or remind someone of truth as I tell our story of stillbirth and my journey with God through it, it will help me to tangibly see that Emmy's life still had purpose. If this blog encourages you in any way, please let me know, as that is my hope and prayer.
"Is there anything I could have done?" is a question that the enemy haunts my thoughts with in some quiet moments throughout the day. I'm so glad I know the answer to this question and can quote scripture to refute it, and send the enemy's words right back to hell where they came from. As I look back at the previous years I am thankful that the Lord cemented these verses in my mind. But before I share what these verses are, let me recount to you what happened on that day.
A week ago today I remember waking up feeling slightly anxious, thinking that there was something wrong. It was 7:00am and I didn't think I had felt Emmy move all night. However, I figured it could have been a number of different things..she could have moved and I just didn't notice since I was sleeping, maybe she was just tired after our previous busy day, or maybe daylight savings was messing with her schedule. I went about our morning being hyper sensitive to baby's movement, but still didn't feel anything. She is normally very active in the morning, and I had not felt any movement at all for an hour so I called our midwife. She had me come in for some monitoring.
The anxiety started ramping up, so I texted some close friends to pray for me and baby as I went to my appointment and dropped Addy off at a friends house. I drove up to Des Moines and prayed that God would spare her life and that she would start moving...and then a wiser part of me started praying that God would prepare me for the outcome, whatever it would be, and that He would be glorified. Tears started welling up in my eyes as I thought about the worst case scenarios.
I walked into office and they pulled me back to locate the baby's heartbeat. The first nurse tried and she couldn't find it, but she assured me not to worry, that she's not very good at using this particular machine, and she called in another nurse to try. That nurse also tried, had me change positions, but couldn't find it either. Then a third nurse came in and found my heartbeat, but not baby's. They walked me to an ultrasound room, I laid down on the table, they put the cool gel over my belly, and then I heard those dreaded words..."There's not a heartbeat." Immediately all of the nurses gave me a hug and put their hands on me and and I just started crying. I called my husband immediately and told him the news. We both were crying on the phone so sad and in shock over the news we just got. After that it seems to have been a whirlwind of emotions. I've cried so many tears that my eyes felt like they were going to swell shut, and then I also have moments of peace and acceptance which I know is because of all the people that have been praying for Rich and I. Currently, I just feel exhausted and numb.
Over this past week as I have thought about that day, my mind automatically tries to find an answer to why this happened. I even asked the midwife that day, "What causes this?" And she said, "We don't know, but sometimes after birth we can see physical reasons such as a knot in the cord, or a cord wrapped around the neck." After Emmy was born, no such physical signs were found. The cord was completely fine, and all of my ultrasounds and appointments up to this point showed growth being on point and a strong heartbeat. For some reason, her heart just stopped beating. So then my mind thinks, "Did I overdo it yesterday? What if I had called the midwife earlier? Was it because I had COVID while pregnant? Was it because I got the COVID vaccine?" Then the Lord speaks His truth into my thoughts and reminds me "NO." and these verses of truth come flooding into my mind.
"...a person's days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and set limits that he cannot exceed." Job 14:5
"All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:16
The Lord had numbered Emmy's days at 31 weeks gestation and there was absolutely nothing I could have done, or anyone could have to change that. Life and death is held in the hands of our Lord. I don't know why this happened, but I do take comfort in knowing that this outcome could not have been changed. When my mind wants to find a reason I trust in the Lord's words that hold steadfast throughout generations. Her days were numbered at 31 weeks. And I also know this, that her life had purpose, for our God does not make mistakes and does not do anything without a purpose. God had a reason for her life. It may not become apparent to me until later on in this life, and I may not know until I get to heaven, but I know my God, and I know that is true. I cling to those truths and they give me peace and comfort.
I read these verses last night and I thought of you immediately. "I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping. My eye wastes away because of grief; it grows weak because of all my foes." Psalm 6:6-7
ReplyDeleteThe Lord brings you to mind nearly every night lately before I go to bed, and I pray that you will be able to sleep. Thank you for sharing your heart here. It will be good for your healing. Love you!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts Julia. We love you so.
ReplyDeleteThank you. God will not waste your pain. May He comfort you and Rich as you move forward.
ReplyDeleteWe love you Julia❤️
ReplyDeleteIt also gives me comfort knowing that God doesn’t make mistakes and He works everything for good for those who love Him. Emmalise’s life does have meaning and purpose.
Julia, your words and thoughts are precious, and God will use His Words and yours to help you heal. We have prayed for you so much and will continue to pray as you walk this journey. Love, Aunt Cindy
ReplyDeleteJulia, my heart goes out to you. When Pastor Chuck sent the email about your lose I was so heartbroken for you. Today marks my son's heavenly birthday, it was 22 years ago. I was 30 weeks along and like you, everything was fine until that day. Thank God that we have him in our lives and I know one day I will see him again. I had a son two years after and thank God for the blessing. So glad you started a blog, it does help sharing your story. God bless your family.
ReplyDeleteDear Julia,
ReplyDeleteI do not know you, but we are connected through the heartache of both losing a daughter at MercyOne in Des Moines. Connie Thompson, a nurse, shared your beautiful words. I begin having contractions at only 22 weeks and 2 days during a horrific snowstorm that actually closed parts of the interstate. I started my journey in the hospital in Waterloo, which is where I was set to deliver since I lived in Oelwein. They were able to get my contractions stopped. My sister-in-law is an OBGYN dr. in Des Moines and arranged for me to be transferred to MercyOne as soon as the roads were okay for the ambulance.
That evening, my contractions began again, and this time there was not to be any way to stop them. I had to call my husband, 3 hours away with our 2 1/2 year old to come NOW, not in the morning. The nurses were discussing my situation at the nurses' station when Connie overheard the comment that I was Dr. Olesen's sister-in-law. Connie immediately came to my room. Connie was my amazing nurse that helped me through the most agonizing experience of my life. I felt that God had led her to me, as she had grown up only a few miles from my home and our families had been friends forever. Connie switched room assignments with another nurse and stayed with me, even after her shift ended.
There are no words to say when you know that you are going to deliver the daughter you dreamed of, wished for and made plans to hold forever, and then be told that she may only live a few hours.... our precious Kasey RuthEva lived for 3 hours. The longest and shortest 3 hours of my life. This was 14 years ago. I still think of her every day. Like you, I know that we will be reunited in Heaven again someday.
Why did this happen to me? Is probably the question I ask most. Like you, there are no reasons why this should have happened, no explanation, except God knows our days. Why me? I think because I am one that can now share with others the loss and help them to grieve and celebrate life at the same time. My heart has more compassion than I could ever have imagined. My faith has been strengthened, though I will admit there was a time that I was very angry at God and pulled away from the church.
Please know that you are not alone. MercyOne hosts a beautiful ceremony every fall to remember our loved babies that are no longer with us. This event has brought me so much peace, especially realizing I am not alone.
Please feel free to message me if you ever need someone to listen to.... I have big shoulders and will do my best to comfort you.
Praying for peace for your whole family.